There's a little girl i met in school along with her daisy duck in year 2008. "Ohh, adorable sweethearts they are. Cute little bestfriends.", i whispered to myself, back during that period of the day. I smiled to myself.



As days passed, i became closer and closer with those two little sweethearts. We became the best of friends. I'm really blessed to have friends like them. Always there for me when i need a companion. Instead, i've two loving companions with me. One, my bestfriend. And the other one, my buddy. On this day and date itself, it is buddy's sixteenth bithday. I wish you, a happy birthday.



I still remember those days, when we walked from interchange to the bus stop, when we came back from school, in our school uniforms. From that long pavement, to the staircase and to the traffic light. Our laughters, our stories and our sharing times. Haha! Oh, i miss those times. Not forgetting, our daily morning walk and 'prangai gemok' moments. I smiled widely from ear to ear, upon recalling it.



Hey nerdtuhsyia, always stay cheerful and always be happy. As when you show a smile on your face, the worries people have just vanish from their mind. Once again, happy birthday dear buddy.





There you go, a heart shape balloon. Hehh!

Yours sincerely, hisyam.
00.10am

I feel like going to the beach.

As i was saying to buddy, "I found a job!"
Yeah, full time slacker i am right now.
Seriously, i've no cash with me currently.
I wanna get a job very soon. Very soon.
And please, stop asking me to find a job.
You people kept pestering me to find one.
But hey, it's up to me whether i wanna find one or not.
It's my life, not yours.
Some even said that i'm useless, goner and such stuffs.
Whatever much.
Say whatever you all want.
When i want to have one, i will have one.

Everyone's busy.
I'm getting by each day by rotting at home.
I don't know whether i prefer it this way or not.
Away from friends. Only with family.
I'm stress free. But frankly, i got headaches frequently.
I still remember what i told gabriel last time.
I wanna do a lot of stuffs after O level had ended.
I wanna work out.
I wanna learn how to strum a guitar.
And lots more.
But in the end, i didn't so far.
My heart is yearning for it.
But my body is not willing.
All because of one thing, that demotivated me.
Fcuk.

Can i have that particular shoe and v-neck sleeve shirt i saw at jurong point?
Damn it, uncontrollable temptation.

Woooooooooooohooooooooooooooo!
Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
It had been sooooooooo long since i felt sooooo happy and overjoyed.
It seems like ages. But oh well, who cares.
I'm loving it this way babes and dudes!
A state of euphoria i shall say.

Went out with ________.
Oh, off to jurong point we went.
Hunt hunt hunt.
Food food food.
Laugh laugh laugh.
What can i say?
This little girl really puts a smile on my frowning face.


Arghhhhhh. I miss those 2 belos.
My adorable plus loving sweethearts.
Fazzy and nerdtuhsyia.
I miss the 2 of you lah bodoh! Haha!

Chatting with fazzy online had always been crazy.
Texting with nerdtuhsyia was even crazier.
Nerdtuhsyia really made me stunned for a few seconds when she texted me this;

"Hi syam! Eh style seh. Become hisyam. Tasha pandai. YAY!"

Do you get what she was trying to conclude? Haha! I took 30 seconds by the way. Hehh!

Ohhh i love food.
Prata for breakfast.
Ice kacang for breakfast's dessert. Is there such a thing anyway? Hehh.

Burger king's rendang burger for lunch. Wooooooooohooooooo!
It's damn nice i tell you. It had been so long since i ate that.
And when i had the first bite, i was like a crazy guy thrilled over it.
Ohh, marvelous!
Famous amous.

*And when i reached cwp, i was yearning in silent for ramly burger and chocolate sundae.
*And now, that someone shall laugh.

Beef curry for dinner!
Tom yam maggi for supper!

Getting to eat such foods, it's heaven i shall say.
Eh no. The best thing in the world is to get to drink water.
And the best thing in the world should be free.
Even water aren't free now. Tsktsk.
What crap am i talking?

Don't mind this post yeah. I'm sought of crazy today.
And i shall end by saying;

I miss you, NOR FAZLINDA BTE MOHD AFFANDI.
I miss you, NATASHA BTE MOHAMED SHAH.
*Don't kill me for this yeah. Haha!
Sayang 2 of you.
Quick, say AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

I regret, i regret, i regret.
Damn it.
'Penyapu' (broom) was what i called myself. HAH!
Argh.

Oh, it was a great afternoon with syahirah and ekin.
969 to tampines interchange with syahirah.
Waited for ekin, for nearly half and hour.
Off to tampines mall.
Macdonalds we had for lunch.
Catched up on one another, laughed, camwhored.
Mai made my day.
"Macdonalds became MRT."
I laughed in silent.
168 to woodlands.
It was fun.





I want sylvia to become the next singapore idol. Whatever much.

Why do we destroy the things we love most?
Why do we hurt the people we love?

These are eternal questions that play itself out over history, over time, over different places.

It is one of the great pains at the root of the human spirit.

Anyway, today was hilarious i suppose.
My dad and sis were both fooling around with each other to entertain mum.
Dad, mum and sis kept on laughing for the slightest funny act.
They sure did enjoyed their day.
I smiled even though i was mute for the day.

Over to johor we went early in the morning.
At 11.30am. Yeah, early for me.
Dad kept on complaining that i caused the family to go through the causeway jam.
Thanks to me for waking up late.
Or else, we could have escape from going through the jam if we're much earlier.
I shut myself, listening to the rhythms and vocals, flowing through my sense of hearing.

Nothing interesting.
Plain bored all the way.
Reached singapore, went to chua chu kang.
Visited sicked aunt.
I didn't bother much, but to switch off.

I hate myself to be like this.
I'm virtually alive, but appeared dead.

So here's to everything, coming down to nothing.
Here's to silence that cuts me to the core.
Where is this going? Thought i knew for a minute.
But i don't anymore.

The love, pain, death and fear.

Are you afraid of death?
Where would you go to? Have you ever wonder?

12.45pm:

"I don't feel alright in spite of these comforting sounds you make."
Part of a song that is glued in my mind.

I felt like a human machine.
Terrible. Awful.
When it's working, i can be meaningful.
When it's faulty, i can just die.
When it rush, i felt high.
When it slow down, i felt lethargic.

Depending, i admit.
I'm learning, slowly. It takes time.
A new chapter of life.
I'm learning yet again.
The past, as a lover.
The future, as a human being.

I'm tired, am really tired.
I woke up in the morning, emotions that couldn't be controlled.
I only starts to live for another day after i'm done bathing.
The cold water that enlightened my body.
Stepping out of the bathroom, i smiled and shall live for another day.

10.30pm:

Oh, food food food.
Went to Beach Rood food place for dinner.
I'm full. Very full.
The indian muslim food there had always been superb.



Dad questioned me in the midst of eating.

Dad: Do you still have your raya's money?
Son: No.
Dad: Don't you have any cash with you right now?
Son: Nope. Not even a single cent. Pathetic right?
Dad: Naahh, i give you 20 bucks. Spend it only when in need.

I was taken aback when he gave me that 20 bucks. It was rare i shall say. What is that suppose to mean? Haha!

The night was cold. It was raining.
Randomly toured the town.
I'm sleepy. I fell asleep in vios.

Tomorrow, another family day.
I'm looking forward for food food food.
Goodnight good looking people. *yawns*

11.25pm:

I feel very timid.

9.30am:

My heart is beating very fast. Ohmy. Why is it so? I've got over it. But i guess it takes time. As i calm myself to the soothing music, my heart beats even faster. No matter how hard i try to sleep peacefully, i still failed. It was a nice sleep i had last night. But the last scene had to disrupt it. It was gory. Thee was full of blood. I woke up, sitting up, sweating. I nearly went out of the house to 'save' thee. "OI! Where are you going?", sis yelled. I woke up from my dreamland and went back to my room. Yes, i teared. That's a fact that i can't change and control. Soon after, i screamed, "SO WHAT?!". I went to shower and move on. God bless me.

8.20pm:

The afternoon was spent with bestfriend fazzy.
I waited for 30 minutes at bns.
Thoughts lingered on my mind as people walked pass.
Off to horizon food mall.
The fried carrot cake was so so.
Bestfriend ate mee goreng.
It looked yummy.
Ice kacang freezed us.
Sesame street popping sound shocked her.
Cempedak for $2.
To library, bookworm borrowed storybooks using my card.
To timezone, raced twice.
I won, bestfriend won too.
We miss you, nerdtuhsyia.

CWP, it puts a frown on my face.
And at the end of the day, i yelled again, "SO WHAT?!"

10.35am:

Life is dull right now. It is quite meaningless to me. Nothing is going on. Jobless. I'm in stationary mode. Numb and null. No expression. I could just go online and rot. Mum suddenly prompt me about insurance. I'm blur about it.

I can just sigh. I miss thee terribly. It's part and parcel of reality i shall say. Haiz. I shall live in my dreams. The dreams of dear lufian. I felt heaven. When i woke up, i can't help it, but to tear. Why didn't i just rest in peace in my sleep? I can't afford to live. I'm scared and nervous. My heart is beating very fast.

On a random note: I miss RP.

2.15pm:


A state of anguish. Colours filled my heart. But the present, every single colour pencil stabbed deep through my heart. The turqoise colour, it stabbed through sharply. It was utterly painful. I endured, with no wall, as thee called, 'pendinding'.

11pm:

Memories it shall be.
Smile upon recalling those times.
Treasure it may be.
I shall just move ahead in life, when it start to time.

On a random note: I miss the school canteen. I smiled.

8am:

I teared even before i started to type anything.
'Bitter heart', the song i will remembers for life.

I'm devastated. The night was gone. Lufian was gone. I can't control it, but to cry and cry and cry. I can't control myself, but to head to the 'hill' in the middle of the night. As i walked to the 'hill', i teared non-stop, flashing back every single moment we had together. I wanted to catch the sunrise. I had my 'sunrise date'. I finally had. But to no avail, i was all alone by myself. The same hill. The same sky. The same scenery. The same grass. The same 'white dirty mat'. Do you remember that 'white dirty mat'? 6.30am, i stared at the sky. It got brighter and brighter, but the sunrise was invisible from my eyes. I can't look at it. I felt like dying honestly. I was wishing for you to appear out of nowhere, like you always did.

"There're more to come.", you said.
I teared. It's no more.

I waited upon the presence of a shooting star. But it didn't appear. The shooting star is only meant for you, dear lufian, only you. The atmosphere was the same as that thursday night. But the only thing was, ure gone.

I miss O level. I seriously miss O level. I wish, i could retake O level next year if i have the chance. Please, grant my wish. Even though i'm gonna sit for it alone. You all readers might be thinking i'm nuts. But i really am wishing for it for i don't know why. I love and miss O level. O level is equal to lufian.

I just want lufian to know, i love you dearly. I seriously do. The 10 weeks were very memorable for me. It was the happiest moments of my life. I won't forget it for life. Everything i've said yesterday, i mean it. I really mean it. I told you before, i don't know how to go on with life if it happens. It had happened. Yesterday at 9.45pm. You let me go just like that, alone all by myself. I felt devastated.

As the morning got brighter and brighter, i felt like as if, the sun had fall on earth. The pain i felt, i can't take it. As i walked home, a statement striked my mind.

"The ionic bond is unseperable.", you said.
Is 'unseperable' spelled that way, dear lufian?
I teared. I can't go on anymore. I've burst.

4pm:

I broke down. Nothing can describe what i felt. I recalled back every moment we had together. It's heaven for me. I regret. I feel, i didn't treasure you with all my might all these while. You told me once, "Hisyam, hisyam. You're endangering our relationship." I regret. It's my fault. Fuck my nonsense all these while. I didn't show you what i really felt for you. You don't know how much i love you. You won't understand now neither, after last night. My love for you grow stronger than ever. I love you, i really do. I teared as i recalled everything you told me last night. Is there any turning point? I recalled every single thing. Every place, every movement, every laughter, every tear, every phone call, every text messages, every msn messages and every words from you. "I love the nights of 1st and 2nd of november 2009. Ily" Do you remember these nights? And many more. My heart is really broken. I miss lufian's heart.

I broke down when i saw lufian's messages at msn at 8.30am in the morning. I rushed to the bathroom to shower. I wore any tshirts and shorts i saw and quickly rushed out of the house, only with my handphone with me. I reached the bus stop, only to realise i don't have my ezlink card or any coins with me. I rushed to my destination by foot. Nothing was in my mind, expect for dear lufian. I teared.

I reached, and the thought of calling up lufian striked my mind. I gave a call, and was overjoyed to hear the line was available. You're really a big impact on my life. I love you sooo much, i seriously do.

Dear lufian, Kulo Tresno Panjenengan. In other language, Ich Liebe Dich.

Hey ho! A number of wonderful humans asked me at msn. "Hisyam! Are you okay? I read your blog. And blablabla." Haha! Thanks for the concern. I'm fine. That's the way life moves on. There are downs and ups. Flowing through it, i survived. So far.

What can made aidiladha celebration better apart from fooddddd! Oh, marvelous! It was a big treat yesterday. I'm not tired of eating till night. I don't give a care. Just eat and eat, to avoid my mind from thinking. I don't think when i'm eating. Great. And yeap, i didn't chew, swallow or consume any sheep's meat. Don't worry Wong Yeeting. I won't eat you up, even if you're the last meat on earth. Hehh!

I'm dead at home. Let me date you out today! Lets go to far far away! But yeap, not with the skate. Hahaha!